A new post

It's November 4th, 2007.

My thoughts today revolve around life and meaning. It's a topic I've struggled with for as long as I can remember even as a child. I'm a reserved person, perhaps, by nature. I have no friends to speak of nor do I really seek people out although I wish this were different. It's an oddity of sorts. Some days I feel depressed and this perplexes me somewhat. If there is no meaning to life thus I possess a certain freeness, why do I isolate myself so? Why do I have such a bleak outlook? I wish to change this, but I'm not certain how. When I am engaged in small talk with co-workers, it is exactly that. Small talk and I tend to get bored so easily of the conversation, or I become anxious. Seems there are so many things going on and I become confused. Am I scared of contact or closeness with others, or do I simply feel it's all a meaningless waste of time? I think too much, of that I am sure. I worry about that which I have no control. I also simply don't seem to care about so very much which concerns me to a degree. Other postings tend to have a theme. This one, I'm not certain.

25 August, 2007

Seems like ages since parting with "My Precious". I don't miss it, really. It's only been 10 days. Time is a funny thing indeed. Anyway, I wanted to point out I quit smoking June 10 of this very year, so it's now been 76 days and do I ever feel a difference. It feels great. So much more oxygen and energy. My lungs expand much more and I become less tired. Very, very good. I quit drinking, of course, August 18 2006, over a year now and, needlesstosay, that feels extremely good as well. I only wish I'd done it sooner, or never at all in the first place. Feeling healthy is a very good thing. Excercising is key too. I've done a lot of walking the past two weeks. To work and back. Up to and around Phalen once and will probably do so again today.

End of month I'll move into my little efficiency. Small, but mine. Starting my life over again in a sense. A little scary, but good. I have no furniture and will have to save in order to get some, but, as Jason Bourne (in the books) would say, "So be it".

99 down and 1 to go!

Less than a day to go. It's 10p on day 99 of a 100 sentence. Can't believe it. I'll be a big step closer toward the life I wish to lead. No words, really. Can't get too excited nor too down about anything. A life of balance is the goal.

The God problem

When it comes to religion I am like most Americans. Born into a family where we prayed each night before bed. In the recesses of my mind however, there was always doubt. At least once I reached the age of 7 or 8. Now, it seems to pray to God is about as pointless as to praying to a peanut butter and jam sandwich. I find it very hard to believe a creator would watch from above or afar and become angry or jealous if we didn't pray to him. In fact it's practically absurd. Having said that, there does seem to be something believing in God does for us. Just as I previuously mentioned in the concept of nothingness and the freedom we find once we realise it, Religion seems to offer a similar freedom. We feel we are not alone, or that there is a supreme being or an ultimate design to all we know. That there is hope and that this life isn't all there is. Also, when times get tough, we can turn our worries over to God, or "Let go, let God". We are like children in that moment and our burdens are relieved from our shoulders. I've experienced that feeling, but I've never been able to sustain it. The ultimate concept of God I just find so hard to fathom. I used to be afraid to doubt God that he would punish me, but that too is absurd. I would hope God would want us to ponder Him and this life of ours. Perhaps God is merely a scientist in a lab who's created "life" that sits in a far corner of his laboratory and every couple of weeks (billions of years in our terms) he comes to check on us and chuckles.

Being...

I am always most happy when I take my hands off of the wheel of life; when I stop trying to guide it in the direction of my choice. I don't know why I continue such foolery. Such a time waste. I am not even worthy of being defined as a speck in the universe, for not even is our solar system, yet I try to guide it. Sort of like pottery. I don't have the talent yet I stick my hands in the material trying to will a palace and instead all I get is muck. When, on the other hand, I remove my hands a certain freeness comes over me. I am free. Slowly, however, I tend to inch my hands forward as if to say, "This looks good, now if only I change this...", and you get the picture. Life is crazy and I'm crazy. Or maybe life just is and I alone am crazy...well, not me alonce, for, I am sure, I have lots of company. Part of the human fallacy, to be sure.

Time

It's hard always searching...for what? Why? Always wondering why I'm here and what purpose my life is. Generally I tend to think there is no reason for life. It just is be it by random chance, or brought forth by a supreme being who came, created and has long gone. Reminds me of an episode of Twighlight Zone where Lee Marvin owns a robot as only, supposedly in they future, they were allowed to box. Well, Marvins robot, the T-6000 (or whatever) was an older model. By then the sport was being dominated by the T-9000 model much superior. Anyway, it could be we are an old, obsolete model, but our arrogance makes us believe we are special, which is probably a good thing and necessary for our survival.

7 August, 2007:

I'm almost there. It hasn't been easy, but not so hard either. That's the funny thing about life. If one thinks of something prior to experiencing it, it can appear overwhelming. Once completed, however, one looks back and it can seem, eventually, as though it never happened at all. I suppose that's what helps get us from point "A" to point "B" in life and is a major reason we are so resilient. Anyway, not there yet, but close. It's not easy being cheesy!

53 dias mas

ahora es el 23 de Juno. Tengo 53 dias mas hasta de mi libertad. No puedo esperar para ir cuando y adonde yo quiero. FM

Carcel en mi casa

95 days to go. I could have opted to serve 40 days in the county, but I figured home is best. so I went with electronic home monitoring. I was released yesterday and had to set the equipment up myself. HomeGuard 200 I believe it's called. Seems so long, yet I know one day it will end. Oh, by the way, the charge was dui#3 and yes, I've quit drinking. That was 8/18/07 or 267 days ago and no I have no urge to drink again.